My older brother has this funny saying, “It’s not worth the brain damage,” when worrying about matters that don’t matter. I think he’s on to something. Do we make a bigger deal of issues that shouldn’t be a big deal? Or do we not speak up when we should say something?
With conflict, it’s hard to know the best approach. Sometimes we think things aren’t going so badly, and they do. Sometimes we think things aren’t a big deal, and they blow up in our faces.
So, how can we manage conflict in ways that will lead to the best outcome with the least chaos? There are several conflict styles that people tend to resort to when dealing with conflict. The main ones are accommodating, avoiding, compromising, collaborating, and competing.
Today I want to focus on two, which most people call fight or flight—in other words, avoiding or competing. First, there are different degrees within which both these styles are played out. For example, avoiding may be physically walking away, refusing to talk about an issue, or completely ignoring a problem. Competing might be yelling during a conversation (which is where the fight part comes in), making demands without much give on their side, or even a person’s refusing to be flexible. Competing can be gentler, however. Not all competitors are bullies trying to destroy others who come into their path.
For this article, I will refer to “competitors” as those who don’t ignore an issue and “avoiders” as those who run away from a given issue.
So, when is it better to compete or avoid? Well, that depends. Below are a few guidelines to consider when deciding how best to approach a contentious issue.
Importance of the Issue
How important is the issue? The more important the issue to a person, the more they should fight. Deciding whether to move or stay is a pretty important issue. However, trying to decide where to go for dinner may not be as crucial to a person (or maybe vital if they never go out for dinner and don’t want to blow it on a crappy dinner 😉 Take time to think about an issue and decide how important it is to you.
Importance of Maintaining a Positive Relationship
How well do you know the person you are having a conflict with? Do you know them well? Are they only an acquaintance or a stranger? Do you have to deal with the person daily, like a spouse or coworker? Answering these questions can act as a guide to deciding whether you should fight or flight.
Amount of Time Pressure
What if you need to decide quickly due to time constraints? Determining your time limitations is another excellent guide in determining whether you should avoid or compete. If you have a fast deadline approaching, it might be advantageous to insist on a particular course of action rather than twiddling your thumbs and worrying about not stepping on a person’s toes.
Degree of Trust
It is best not to agree if you don’t trust someone. You will likely refuse a person’s request to give your child a ride to school or refuse to let a coworker take home your confidential project if you don’t trust them. Conversely, you are more likely to let a good friend decide on your behalf because you trust her.
To summarize, pick your battles. If you need help deciding what battles to choose, consider how important the issue is, how vital the relationship is, amount of time pressure, and the degree of trust you have in a person.