When I was a teenager, my dad gave my brother and me an older car to drive. I remember one particularly cold morning I tried to start the car, but it wouldn’t start. I found my dad and explained the situation. After a brief inspection, he explained how I flooded the engine in the process of trying to start my car. Older cars were built with a carburetor, which required pumping the accelerator to start the engine. If not careful, a person could pump the accelerator too much and flood the spark plugs, preventing them from igniting. Once the engine flooded, you typically had to wait a while for the spark plugs to dry out before the car would start. Today, vehicles are built with fuel-injectors, which limits the amount of gas that enters the engine, preventing them from flooding.
Like a car, our bodies can experience similar effects when our “engines” are flooded with negative emotions such a guilt, fear, anger, and frustration. Negative emotions are typically accompanied with physiological changes such as an increase in heartbeat, feeling flushed, and tense muscles. This in turn can affect our logic and reasoning. People tend to lose control and become more rigid and inflexible and fall back on poor coping strategies such as yelling or avoiding (fight or flight). Naturally, this is likely to cause more conflict in our lives.
Learning to recognize and develop healthy coping mechanisms to deal with negative emotions is important in successfully navigating conflict.
So, how can we diffuse emotional flooding?
Below are four quick steps a person can take to help manage his or her emotions during a difficult conversation.
Speak Slowly
If a conversation starts to get heated, try to slow it down. It might be helpful to stop and take a few slow breaths. Also, slow down your speech. This will give you enough time to process the information you are receiving in a conversation.
Postpone your response
Wait until a person is finished speaking before you start. Do not interrupt the other person. Listen completely to what they have to say before you respond. People tend to mirror each other in a conversation. Thus, if you don’t interrupt them, they are likely to not interrupt you.
Walk away if emotions become unmanageable
Explain your need to take a break. But schedule a time to continue the conversation later once you have calmed down. Remember, a car’s flooded engine can require a waiting period before it is able to start up again.
Prepare substantive arguments beforehand
It is helpful to prepare ahead of time when you are anticipating a difficult conversation. Practice rehearsing your conversation. That way if you do experience emotional flooding during the actual conversation, you will already know what to say and can stick to your prepared “script.” This will lessen the likelihood of you saying something hurtful or that you will regret.