Considering the recent discussion of Will Smith’s “slap heard around the world,” as some are calling it, I thought it would be important to discuss emotions and their relationship to conflict. Now, please know that I am not one to judge another person’s actions, especially when they are experiencing high emotions. I have been guilty of losing my cool plenty of times. But, since conflict resolution is my passion, I thought I would share a few tips to help individuals more effectively manage their emotions
Understanding emotions
Before we can discuss the management of emotions, let’s first discuss the cause of emotional flooding. You probably have heard the idiom “she flipped her lid.” This typically refers to when a person reacts with strong, negative emotions to a stressful situation. This expression has a literal meaning. Put simply, flipping the lid happens when emotions hijack the brain, causing a disconnection between the “upstairs” and “downstairs” parts of it. Most of us have probably experienced this type of reaction at one point in our lives or another. In terms of conflict, we increase the likelihood for conflict to occur when we allow ourselves to “flip our lid.” That is why it is so important to effectively handle our negative emotions.
First, recognize your triggers.
Think about the last time you had a disagreement that caused you to lose your “cool.” Do you remember what the disagreement was about? What was said? What negative emotions (anger, hurt, fear, anxiety) did you experience?
The first step to controlling your emotions is to recognize the factors that trigger them. A good practice is to take a few minutes and ponder possible emotional triggers. Recognizing your triggers puts you on the offense rather than the defense, which can help mitigate conflict.
The 90-second rule
Now that I’ve discussed the role emotions play, let’s discuss how to effectively deal with them.
Negative emotions can trigger physiological changes in our bodies. The good news is that we can quickly rid our bodies of our emotions in a short period of time. Brain scientist Jill Bolte Taylor, author of My Stroke Of Insight, suggests that it takes less than 90 seconds for our bodies to rid ourselves of a given emotion.
Given it only takes 90 seconds for our emotions to leave our body, a good tip is to give yourself a minute to calm down before you react to your emotions. Yes, 90 seconds will seem like forever, especially when you are upset. But wouldn’t you rather sit in silence for 90 seconds than regret your reactions?
So, what is the takeaway? Empower yourself with the skills to mitigate conflict. First, take time to identify your negative emotional triggers. This may require a short reflection period practicing mindfulness. Second, allow yourself a minute to calm down and regain control of your body. If you can master these two habits, you will more likely be able to control conflict rather than have it control you.
References:
Taylor, J. B. (2009). My stroke of insight: A brain scientist’s personal journeytext (large print). Large Print Press.